Did your stomach just growl the word 'bitch'?

Has anyone ever died from not consuming coffee for 7 days? I am starting to wonder that. Today, I smelled coffee brewing from a street vendor's cart and I envisioned myself jumping into the cart and strangling the man. I think that's a completely normal reaction.

So, without further ado, I give you my

Caloric Awareness Week Update:

DAY 3: This is fucking HARD. Just as hard as I remember it from 2 summers ago. That's what she said. 1.5 hours of ballet class kicked my ass last night, so it was nice to get some extra physical activity in there. I plan on checking out the NYSC near my apartment tonight. I feel like I want to throw up, I want a warm, coffee-like beverage so bad.

Confession: I am taking part in Winter '10 Restaurant Week tomorrow afternoon. Some pals and I will be venturing to the famous Del Posto, where I will gleefully indulge in a $24 3-course prix fixe lunch. Of course I already looked at the menu online. I only looked at about ten menus before I decided on Del Posto. My final choices were Del Posto, Alto and Jean Georges' Nougatine. At the end of the day, I just went with Mario Batali. Never dined on his cuisine before, so what the hell.

And now, I had promised yesterday I might type out the short story I wrote in my writing class. It's a work of fantasy. Completely fiction-based. I invite you to enjoy something other than my ramblings, just don't ever steal my shit. Or, I'll find you.

NYE

"I was just kidding last night. It was all a big joke!" His words punctured the stale air in my room as I held the phone from my face incredulously.

"You . . . were kidding?" I asked.

"Yes, yes, of course," he replied, "A New Year's prank, if you will."

"I've never heard of a New Year's Prank," I said coldly.

"Oh, it's tradition in my family," he explained, "Every year in our family someone plays a prank on their most loved one in their life at the time. They'd bring them to the New Year's party with the family --and everyone was in on it-- and they'd pull their leg all night long!"

More excitedly now, he continued, "Oh, the theatrics of it! Every family member had a role he or she played in the prank. And we never told the person; never broke character, until seven exact days later. But, since I've moved away from home, I haven't been able to partake in the family prank in years.

It was my mother's idea actually--to prank you! I had been talking about you at Thanksgiving, confiding in her that I thought I found the woman of my dreams. And my mother asked how is her sense of humor? Excellent, I had said. She leaves nothing to be desired. Well, you should get her then, my mother had suggested. Get her real good--on New Year's! You know, start the year right--with a hilarious prank!

So, I began plotting. I actually wrote a script. Duke helped me with it. You know Duke? The guy that used to be my writing partner?"

"You said you guys broke up--professionally--or whatever."

"Oh yeah, yeah, we did, but when he got wind of the amazing prank, he wanted to be involved."

"Duke knew?!"

"Of course he did! Why do you think he kept pouring you all that champagne? He was trying to loosen you up a little; make sure you wouldn't go berserk when it happened."

Silence.

"Can you believe it?" he asked me, chuckling to himself. "What a gas!"

"But what about that girl--the one you were holding hands with and . . . she sat on your lap?"

"That was my sister!" he exclaimed. "She flew in to watch the prank!"

"But--all those terrible things you said. You. You said I wasn't your "soulmate" and that you were looking for your "soulmate" and I just wasn't it."

"Lies! All lies!"

"But, I was upset--how did you . . . ? How could you-"

"-It was all in the sake of the prank, Kasie. You gotta understand."

"But it all seemed so real!" I snapped. "The things you said, they made sense. That you enjoyed my company . . . I was such a lovely, wonderful girl, but you just never had any interest. It was just loneliness for you! And even if you did want to get serious, it wouldn't be with me!" I just don't understand. How could you say that and watch my stomach practically fall out of my mouth in disgust?"

"It was funny!" You were such a good sport."

"I was devastated."

"No, no, c'mon. Don't you see? I had to prank the person most important to me. It's the family tradition! It's just . . . tradition." He begins to sound a little defeated. "I would never intentionally try to hurt you. I was just showing you how important you were to me-"

"-what?!"

"Just proving how invaluable you are to me!"

"By writing me out of your life?"

"Just for seven days! No, no, you see, I am actually in love with you, Kasie. I have been all this time! You're--" He thinks. "--It!"

"Your soulmate?" I sarcastically interject.

"Yes! That! You're it! And now my family knows how I feel about you--all because of the Annual New Year's Prank."

beat.

"You there?" he asks worriedly.

"Yeah, I . . . I just don't know what to say."

"Let's just start fresh okay. I want us to be together. Hey! Maybe next year you can prank me!"

That's it. Silly little scene/story. Not really meant to mean anything. Just a fantasy story that amuses me. Total rough draft.

God, I want some fried chicken.

With that, I leave you! UNT