You are simply ungooglable.

Ready for the most amusing thing I've done all day?

Google 'how to not be . . . ' and see what autofill brings up.

Apparently, many people have googled....

How to not be:

shy

jealous

nervous

awkward (hah. like google is going to help you with this)

depressed

bored

lazy

tired

ticklish

hungry (maybe consume something. just a wild guess)

annoying (did my brother google this?)

The funny part of all of this, I think, is that somebody has actually already googled what I was going to search: how to not be tired. Haha. And I was just googling that on a whim. A gag google, if you will.

Then of course my curiosity was sparked. Naturally, I had to start googling 'how to not be' and just enter each letter of the alphabet. This provided an endless supply of entertainment.

How to not be d

drunk

drafted (?? did any Americans google this?!)

dependent on your boyfriend

drowsy

How to not be a

a jealous girlfriend

awkward around guys

awkward around girls

a pushover (this must have been from my search last week)

How to not be c

clingy

creepy (ahahaha. poor old men googling this)

clingy to a girl (ah, specificity)

clingy to a boy

controlling in a relationship

constipated (of course)

And now, I will do a top ten list of my favorite searches on "how to not be"

HOW TO NOT BE . . .

1. grumpy in the morning (who googled this? Ned Flanders?)

2. fat in fable 2 (what does this mean?! seriously. I want to know so badly)

3. hypnotized (don't look at the swinging watch? what?!)

4. monotone (I love that this was used as an adjective. these poor people)

5. pregnant

6. scared of scary movies (I never thought this was a personality trait people wanted to change)

7. tone deaf

8. whipped by your girlfriend

9. mad at someone

10. banned from club penguin

Okay. Now I've lost it. I just clicked on the first result for 'how to not be banned from Club Penguin' for nonsense's sake. The suggestions to solve this problem included "Don't report a penguin for fun" among other things and of course "Have a good time and make the other penguins happy!"

what. the. fuck.

I am shaking my head.

The internet is unbelievable.

Did you ever in your right mind during the 90s think it would turn into this?

With that thought, I take my leave.

Have a lovely afternoon.

May you all read a book instead of play online at least once this month.

UNT

He sells fish? What? Ohhhh, he's selfish.

I need to get my ears drained. Or something. A few times in my life I have gotten my ears 'irrigated'. This medical procedure involves using warm/hot water to flush out buildup in your ear canals. I mention this because basically, I can't hear shit. And because I'm 23 and a singer, hearing loss worries me a great deal. I'm just afraid to have them irrigated again because last time I did it was at Olin Health Center and this 'medical practitioner' put a tool so far into my ear that it felt like my ear drum was getting poked. Mind you, Olin Health Center is a joke and I was stupid for letting any employee there go near my ears. Still, I can't decide which scares me more: getting this procedure done again or going deaf. To be continued, I guess.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm going to throw up. Like, all the time. I'm about 98% positive it's because my blood sugar has consistently been low for the past two weeks. And that, ladies and gents, is because I'm too lazy to go grocery shopping again. And pack a lunch. Which brings me to my next point:

note the conversation that occurred between me the housekeeper today:

HK: Katie, you didn't buy milk.

me: I didn't know I was supposed to.

HK: I told you yesterday to buy milk; you used up the last of the milk.

me: I thought you were just stating a fact that I used up all of the milk.

HK: No. I wanted you to buy a carton of milk.

me: Obviously there was some miscommunication. 

HK: Good thing I bought some milk today.

(time passes)

me: Man, I should really clean my apartment.

HK: What?

me: I said: Man, I am really lazy.

HK: I know you are lazy.

Oy. How do I correct this laziness? Where shall I ever find the motivation required to un-lazify myself?! And more importantly, why is the housekeeper my stand-in mother in NYC? Ahaha, I love her.

I also love Google so much it's disturbing at times.

And now, a vote:

Should I use my tax return money to

(1) purchase the Macbook I'm 'saving' for

(2) save it until the new iPhone comes out

(3) save it for my California trip

(4) save it for retirement

Thanks for voting.

If you'll excuse me, I have to go lay on the floor now so I don't throw up. And as soon as this passes, I am going to make myself an egg sandwich. And then I'll throw up again.

xox.