The Christmas card I didn't send out.

Looking back, 2008 was not my favorite year.
My papa passed away, I moved away from my family, a good romantic relationship of mine ended and I was forced to grow up real quick after my college graduation.

Normally I don't make New Year's resolutions and I don't believe in them or their effectiveness: but I think this year I am going to make a couple pseudo-resolutions for my own personal well-being and to maintain the relationships around me.

Firstly, to put an end to the youthful attitude of 'taking things for granted'.
Secondly, to drop a couple old habits that I won't be mentioning here.
Thirdly, to be a more kind-hearted human being overall that thinks of other's feelings.

These past three months, I have been filled with so much hate. Hate for so many people; people in my past, people of my present, and complete strangers. I find myself reacting more wildly, behaving more mean-spirited, and getting angry more frequently now that I am living in New York. I don't know whether it is an environment thing, or if I'm just taking out life's frustrations in a non-constructive, negative way.

Maybe it's because I feel abandoned by a few close friends or that I believe a lot of women around me are selling out, or because I'm now thousands of miles away from people I used to spend most of my time with, but I find myself quite often feeling alone in this mess.

Perhaps next year I should focus on increasing my awareness of others around me, stop deliberately trying to hurt people's feelings who I've decided I've permanently lost respect for, and perhaps be less dramatic as a human being. Although my large, abrasive personality is sometimes entertaining, I think it really, truly hurt some people this year.

Life is too short to be angry and hateful all the time.
And I, out of all people, should know, considering I dropped a friend a few years ago for acting the same exact way; because I just didn't want to be around their negative, vindictive energy anymore. I don't want to be that narcissistic, toxic person that people are afraid to call out on their own bullshit. And unfortunately, I think I've behaved like this person ever since I moved here. Gross. Besides, I'd like to go to hell for other reasons, and at least with some true friends in tow.

So, thank you to everyone who has put up with me in these past six months of confusion and frustration. Especially, Laura, my cousin, and Jordon, the other BFF, and my family.

Note: Despite these 'resolutions', I am not going to be swearing less in the new year.
I think saying 'fuck' and 'son of a bitch' adds character to my seemingly demure outside disposition.

And with that, may you all have Wonderful Fucking Holidays.
From yours truly.
xo