Unsettled.

There have been many times when I have felt anxious or restless in the city, but no time quite like this.

I have to wake up in less than six hours.
Blehck.

Two things are causing me not to sleep right now, despite the fact that I am in my bed.

1. Watching two episodes of Sex and the City (season 5) followed by a talk with Jordon about -of course- men and our future

2. Conversations with Maggie, my mother, Jordon's mother and Jordon's cousin about their experiences with a psychic

And now, for some reason, I feel very anxious and a little unsettled. The whole time we talked about the psychics for some reason I couldn't get my heart to stop racing and my breathing was getting unnecessarily irregular. WTF.

Why does the idea of a psychic reading scare the bejeezus out of me?
It doesn't help that every person we spoke to about their reading said so many things came true. I mean, when my mom went to see this lady when I was 5 years old, the lady told her I would become an actress someday. ??? Ugh. That and many other strange things - - like Maggie's revealing reading and the ladies instructing her to 'please take down her wall or she will miss meeting her soul mate this year.'

I guess the thought that we don't control our own destiny and our choices are meaningless in the grand scheme of things scares me. That, and I am terrified this psychic is going to tell me I'm going to die, or something about death that I don't know. Why is it that only in the last year has the thought of death made my skin crawl? I never used to think that, but now I'm fearful of it and long periods of thinking about it give me a slight panic attack. Normal? Perhaps not.

So, me and Jordon decided we want to see a psychic soon . . . together. Why the fuck not? But if I think about it too much, I get this terrible feeling of anxiety for whatever reason. This obviously should signal me that I should NOT go . . . or should I because it's an irrational fear and I need to get over it . . . after all, it's supposed to be a fun activity; a form of ENTERTAINMENT, if you will.

The other thing that is keeping me up is the first thing I mentioned. Naturally this was a weekend of analytical thought as Maggie was in town visiting me. But, these thoughts were kicked off by an unusual date I went on this week.

I don't know what kind of sign it is when your second date turns south, and by south, I mean turns serious. Too much information divulged at once? Too much verbal vomit? I don't even know if that was it. All I know is I've ever never been so confused after a date before. I take that back. I've never been so confused after a date with a stranger. I just had a brief flashback of the Omi date with the man with undetermined intentions towards me - hmm.

Anyway, back to last week's date:
After some awkward talk about sex and what it means to different people and why people even date in the first place, I was left pondering what in the hell I am even looking for when dating these days. I don't want to be in a serious relationship. I have wayyy too much on my plate right now to even think about caring about someone in that way - be that selfish or not, I think I'm allowed to say that since I am only 23 years old. BUT, as I forwardly mentioned to my date, I am not in fact seeking a fuck buddy. Please. Having a vagina, I believe I am at an advantage sexually - let's just say I can get when I want it . . . if I so choose. Again, excuse my honesty. I'm just laying it all out on the table right now. So, what else is there to seek from a date, you might ask. I guess, companionship? I'm allergic to dogs, so there's always men. Ahahaha I'm sorry, that's incredibly unfair and I don't believe that . . . it just happened to make me laugh. When I think companionship, word association-wise, I usually think: dogs.

Still, what type of companionship I desire is up for debate. It could be many things. I just do not care to take the time to define exactly what I am looking for because I feel that will limit myself. And right now, I am all about taking risks. It's an important theme of 2009 for me. And risk-taking does not involve boundaries, limits or comfort zones.

It's hard to explain to a man who is not a woman and knows nothing of your prior experience with men why you are not looking for a fuck buddy at this moment in your life. No, I am not exclusively seeking sexual adventures. So, sue me.

Of course, after all this talk, I had to ask myself why did I let such a talk or a certain comment get under my skin. Was I not being defensive and perhaps a little naive? I certainly don't want to date a celibate man, but I also do not want to date a 'ladies man' or a fucking slut. Understandable? I think so.

It's just hard to put all my complex feelings and thoughts on this subject into words . . . and on a second date, it just felt really, really awkward . . . and not in a good way. Generally I tend to enjoy the silliness of awkwardness, like the kind that John Lepard intentionally inserted into Recent Tragic Events; it really added to those beautiful moments of true connection with my scene partner. This awkwardness, however, was a big fat turn off. I don't like having to think that much with a semi-stranger.

So, I did think about it post-date. And I decided: yeah, that was awkward. But just as I don't want people to judge me for my beliefs, I shouldn't judge someone I barely know either. At least too much. What I didn't decide was what I was looking for in my dating escapades. I have no fucking clue. I do like the notion of attempting to connect with someone. I like to meet new people that intrigue me or that I feel have something new/exciting to offer me . . . so that is what I am doing. And having a lot of fun doing it, might I add. So, there's that. A nice, general answer to whatever I am looking for. Basically, I'm not looking for anything in particular. Just to amuse myself and to have a bit of fun in the process. Whatever that means to you.

Man, Sex and the City sure makes you crave a lot of things though. Especially the episode I just watched: the one where Carrie's main superobjective throughout is to have sex with Big. It was quite lovely. But I also watched the episode where Charlotte admits she is in love with Harry. I love that whole beginning sequence; it's one of my favorites in the series. Those scenes make me crave a different sort of thing. Ah, love. Remember that?

Speaking of Valentine's Day.
Maggie flew into town for the occasion - and it was the best one yet. We shared lovely stories, frozen hot chocolates, filet and champagne at Jacques and tequila shots, among many other things. We also went salsa dancing and spent four hours in a spa. Almost 9 years and still going strong. That fact obviously deserved celebrating. And that we did. To the fullest. Unfortunately now I'm broke.

haha. Sweet Charity is playing on my ITunes right now. 'Big Spender', to be exact.
My favorite line:
So let me get right to the point: I don't pop my cork for every guy I see.
Man. Is that my tag line OR WHAT.

And with that, I leave you.
Bon noche.