I underestimated the power of mushrooms. Again.

You made your bed. Now lie in it.

That's how I feel about the wretched salad I just made/forced myself to consume at lunch.

I hope that picture doesn't get me in trouble, like last time. You see, that picture reminds me of the time during my junior year of private high school that I was sent to the principal's office because I drew cartoon mushrooms on the back of my "Morality class" notebook. I mean, you just can't make that shit up. You also can't make up the conversation that ensued with my female principal once I sat down in her windowless office:

PRINCIPAL LADY: Katie, do you know why you're here?

ME: No.

PRINCIPAL LADY: Are you sure about that?

ME: Yes. I mean, no. I'm not sure which offense I'm being sent here for.

PRINC: Is that so?

ME: Yeah . . . uh . . . was it for pretending I had priv [one hour of free time spent on school grounds; you got one a semester at my high school] during Chemistry?

PRINC: Uh . . . no, it's not about that.

ME: Maybe I shouldn't be guessing why I'm here.

She slaps a notebook on the desk. Looks vaguely familiar. She turns it over. We both stare at the cardboard. She looks back at me, eyebrows raised in 'gotcha' stance. I'm still looking at the notebook trying to figure out what in the hell she is looking at. I look at her blankly. Awkward minutes pass.

PRINC: Could you please tell me what these are?

She points to my attempted drawings of Toad from Mario Kart.

ME: Doodles.

PRINC: Yes, but what are they of?

ME: (point-blank) Mushrooms.

PRINC: Katie, Are you aware of our school's no-tolerance policy towards drugs?

ME: (confused) Yeah . . .

PRINC: Have you been under the influence of any drug recently or brought any paraphernalia to school with you?

ME: (still not getting it) Um . . . noo. I don't do drugs.

PRINC: But you like to draw mushrooms.

ME: (ahhh. Yep. All caught up now) Wait. Am I here because I drew a doodle of a mushroom with a smiley face and now you think I'm on drugs?

PRINC: Mrs. Horowitz turned this notebook into me, yes, for suspicious drawings.

Annnnnnnd cut. One can only imagine how the rest of that conversation went. Probably the most awkward part was when I had to explain to my 59-year old principal why I chose to draw a mushroom with a smiley face -- "He was a happy mushroom!"

Ohhhh Lord. Discipline. Discipline and Me. Ooh, that's a good title for my memoir.

Back to MY LUNCH. Which was terrible, in case you haven't picked up on that yet.

Obviously, I will now post the recipe in a new segment called:

RECIPES TO AVOID

I make them . . . so you don't have to. **

Shit Salad

2 cups mixed salad greens (romaine, mesclun and spinach)

1 green onion stalk, chopped

1/2 cup cannelini beans

1 hard boiled egg white, chopped

4 (although it seemed like 45) medium-sized white mushrooms, sliced

2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar

1/2 teaspoon of extra-virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons white balsamic vinegar (this was an accident. that I deeply regret)

oregano, garlic powder and pepper to taste

Toss your salad real good. Plate. Sprinkle pepper about.

**please refrain from combining these ingredients in the manner described above, lest you want to make your bed . . . and lie in it.

Alright, everyone. I must peace. I would just like you to know before I go that I have abstained from coffee for 8 days, 14 hours and 25 minutes. The spell might be broken, however, when I am done with my Crest White Strips.

UNT.

Oh P.S. Caloric Awareness Week died on Friday like my crisp belly-up parakeet pet from my childhood: Frankie. I'm sorry Frankie. And I'm sorry diet. You both had the best of intentions.