I just had an epiphany after an orgasm today.
Hahahaha. I thought that'd be an amusing opening line. It's kind of true, but it's an epiphany I probably am not going to share at this time.
Oh, how cloudy my mind has been for most of May and the month of June. My mind is just so exhausted from pondering, thinking every minute, all day. I never rest. Not even on the weekend.
Jordon mentioned to me yesterday that she thought people who move to New York prefer to be restless and stay in a constant state of unsatisfied motion all their lives. Hence, "the city never sleeps" saying. The notion made sense to me, but also terrified me in that one could never be satisfied EVER in their life. How can one be happy then if nothing ever satisfies them?
I need to spend less time pondering my existence and human existence in general, and perhaps spend more time being creative and figuring out how to be true to myself through art.
Like I told Jordon last night, it seems this city has sucked my personality out of me. During college, I used to be quite in-tune with my individuality and who I was. Now, it seems like the only thing I am in tune with about myself is my basic morals and code of ethics. I barely know what I am passionate about anymore. It makes me wonder if where we live helps to define our identity. I understand this is a new place and there's going to be a lot of adjusting in my future. And, don't get me wrong, this is one place (so far) that I truly feel at home; unfortunately to everyone's surprise in LA, I in no way have any desire to move to the West Coast. I'm East Coast baby, and proud of it.
Still, I feel like a fucking teenager again. So . . . lost? So . . . undecided? I spend more time thinking about the meaning of things than actually just living life. I am more fickle now than I ever used to be. God help the men who date me, I feel like I give people a run for their money these days; push people's buttons on purpose a lot more often than I used to.
My worst fears these days include: becoming a miserable/jaded/bitter human being and dying alone. I see so many of my friends escaping from New York after living here one short year, and many of them have mentioned to me they did fear they would become a worse person living here for a long time. But see, I disagree! I think NYC has the potential to bring out the best version of myself. The constant competition will give me confidence, the bullshit will harden my naivety, and the eclectic environment will eventually inspire me, motivate me, and give me the freedom to express myself in so many different creative ways. BUT. Through what medium, I ask you? What the hell do I want out of life? Besides traveling? And connecting with someone/something?
Why do I have such a problem with living in the moment. Why am I so impatient/critical/judgmental?I want to change. For the better. I know I will. It's just going to take some time. I'm in this crazy, scary transition point where nothing is for certain and I feel like a stranger to so many things and even to myself.
I'm sure whoever's reading this is thinking, "Jesus. Um. Good luck . . . "
I find that the best way to live my life at this age is just to constantly remind myself to take the risks and to surround myself with only positive, forward-moving people. Hence, why I have completely ceased talking to some people, and simultaneously am forcing myself to try new things that I really don't initially want to do.
I am so captivated and fascinated with life around me here. It's just . . . phenomenal . . . sometimes. Like seeing Billy Eichner last night. Haha. Made me want a revolution to start again. This country needs it. I want the 60s all over again, man. I want it so hard. I want to fight for shit. But, I've digressed.
I must go shower and head to the East Village now. Who knows what adventures this Saturday evening will bring me.
until next time (UNT) . . .
