Back to budgets. Has anyone ever used a budget successfully? How do my parents do it?!! Sam's Club. But seriously. Last time I had to budget was in college. Here's my idea of a budget: cheat, lie and steal to cope with whatever shitty cards you've got. So, here it is, a little present from you to me:
My secrets to budgeting (developed in college):
1. buy alcohol in the cheapest form (this includes purchasing liters of Burnett's and hiding them from people during parties and sometimes bringing 'sippy cups' in your purse to the bar)
stop judging, or I won't continue.
2. have a contest with yourself about how long your body can last on the food in your fridge and cabinets without grocery shopping (this includes NO grocery shopping, no purchasing any food from restaurants, etc. unless you got a handout from Grandma or the lottery, eating black beans with a sprinkle of aged-but-not-in-a-professional-cheesemonger-way Asiago as a meal and often eating breakfast for dinner)
note: you will also usually lose weight. but ONLY if you had healthy stuff in your kitchen to begin with--no one can help you if you already live off Kraft mac & cheese and Lean Cuisines.
3. guilt people into buying you things, mostly drinks and food. don't hang around people who only mildly like you; try to surround yourself with people who might have a crush on you or people who you've hooked up with passionately and successfully in the past (self-explanatory)
4. never volunteer to drive. (NYC mass transit definitely solved this one)
5. eat whatever you can find at your place of employment. (free cookies? hello lunch. left over fries from table 15? go for it. old cheese in the company kitchen fridge? why, thank you)
so. that was my first attempt at a mock-narrative. I'll admit, it was about to get pretty inappropriate; #6 might have included 'sex for food'. But, I refrained. I decided I need to work on my mock-narrative skills. Maybe watch more episodes of The Office. Or Chelsea Handler.
Back to budgets though, seriously. Suze Orman and other financial advisors suggest I make a chart of some sorts to find out where the majority of my expenses go. This, of course, makes me chuckle. Besides rent on my overpriced Manhattan apartment, most of my spending goes towards alcohol and food purchases. Hence, why I need to learn to budget the proper way--so I can allot more money towards those special needs.
"Me want food." -Jenna Maroney, 30 Rock
Sometimes I wish people wouldn't tell me when the song I've been singing along to is actually a Miley Cyrus song. I had no idea it was about the U.S.A. I mostly just thought it was another great song by popular R&B artist Ciara.
I need to go work for my money.
The honest way.
Because honesty is the best policy.
Goodbye taters.
UNT
