Almost 3'cock--the daily time at which I reach my peak, my prime, my mark.Today I had the best sandwich I have ever had [in 2010]. I created [told the deli guy what to put on it] myself. It had: cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, alfalfa sprouts, roasted red peppers, swiss cheese, carrots and red pepper aioli. I was so proud of myself for eating light/vegetarian, until hunger struck again . . . one hour later. Seriously? I mean, I know there wasn't any protein, but I thought I could at least tide myself over until mid-afternoon [post-work] snack time. WRONG. Cut to me inhaling three mini butter cookies. Reference this past post about their deliciousness HERE.
Barbados sounds more like a kind of snack food, not a country. Hey! Danny boy! Hand me some of them Barbados, will ya?
Last night, I had an urge to post some musings about blind dates, but the shower distracted me with its showery warm goodness. I think my fears about blind dates are a little bit different than most people's. For example, here is a list (in order of priority) about my blind dating fears.
The more prevalent the fear is for me, the higher up on the list.
#1 Lack of sense of humor. Will I laugh tonight or later at his expense?
#2 Republican. Holy shit, what if he's a right winger?
#3 Unattractive. What if he is troll-like, weasel-like, otter-like, obese, etc.
#4 Killer. Is he going to kill me after the date?
#5 Lack of intelligence. Holy shit, what if he can't maintain a conversation?
Even if other people share similar blind date fears, I'm sure their ranking of where those fears fall on a list are different than mine . . . I might even guarantee it, just like Men's Warehouse.
On a completely unrelated note, if this day were to end like how I wished it would end up, this is how it would go, starting from now:
I finish up this blog entry, post it and re-read it. It is hilarious. I am such a hilarious person, I think. I jot down a couple notes for the screenplay I'm writing. They are fantastic notes. I pat myself on the back.All of a sudden, my boss calls me on the phone. My meeting is going to take 4 more days, not 4 hours, she says. I will see you next week Monday. Wowee, I think. What are the chances of that? I start to pack up my things since now I have the day off.I look outside--since when did it become 88 and sunny again? That rain sure cleared up fast. What is that--a unicorn in the sky? I am confused. I look more closely. I take off my glasses. Suddenly everything looks clearer. Wow! I have 20/20 vision --how did this happen? I rub my eyes. That wasn't a unicorn, you stupid old-fangled glasses, that's a pigeon! And he's sooo clean! Who cleaned him? What a good day this is, people now clean NYC pigeons for a living!I am feeling so special, I put on my coat--which is now magically dry-cleaned, I didn't even have to pay for it! It smells good too! I turn off all the lights in my office and walk through the corrider. There are little spicy chocolates leading to the exit. I follow them, munching on the chocolates until I reach the door, where there is a big jar of spicy chocolates waiting for me outside. I shove the jar into my purse as I look around. I hope these aren't somebody else's spicy chocolates, I think.When I get outside, there are a ton of convertible cabs lined up on the street. I hop into one and yell out my address as we speed through the streets, my hair blowing in the balmy wind. Oh no, the credit card machine is broken and I don't have cash! That's okay, the taxi man reassures me, you can just go without paying. I smile casually, maybe even glamorously, and reach my front door. There's a curious pink note taped to my building entrance. It says 'NEW ELEVATOR'. Wowee! They installed an elevator in my building while I was at work! I take the elevator up to the sixth floor. I walk inside and collapse on the couch, overwhelmed with all the good luck I've been experiencing today.The doorbell rings. When did I get a doorbell, I wonder. I don't have to buzz people in anymore? How pleasant! I walk to the door. A man is standing outside with 4 FreshDirect boxes. Suddenly I remember I forgot to go grocery shopping after work--Oh shoot, what a bummer. Please sign here, he says. But I didn't order any-- he interrupts me. We found your grocery list on the ground, ma'am, and filled it--it's company policy to fill any found grocery list. It's called the Karma Law, Section 2b. Luckily, your stationery had your address on it. I shake my head in disbelief as I sign for the packages. Is this complimentary? I'm almost afraid to ask. Of course, madam, the old-worldish delivery man with a toothy grin says. This is ridiculous, I think. As soon as he leaves, I rip open the packages in a flash. 2% small curd cottage cheese! Zucchini! Chick peas! Brie! Old Amsterdam cheese! Spinach gnocci! I don't even remember this shit being on my list! Laundry detergent! Nail polish remover! Bumble and bumble hair conditioner?! A navy JCrew spring jacket--what the??! I unload everything and put it away--it takes no time at all to put all the goodies away.I settle down on my couch. I feel drowsy. It looks like someone has vaccummed my couch or something--and all the blankets are so fluffy. How comfy this is. But before I can even dwell on another thought, I am fast asleep---a tiny smirk still sitting on my luscious lips.I wake up to a harp playing. I come out of my dreamy stupor state like garlic butter melting in a frying pan. Mmmmm. Who is cooking pinwheels? I look over to my right--there is no harp! It's just Bridget making a gentle harp noise. And she's brought Levain Bakery cookies for us--two of each kind!Guess what? Bridget blurts out. You don't have to go to the gym! What do you mean, I ask. This is confusing. Because your trainer came over and worked out all your muscles while you were sleeping--it's a new service the gym provides--sleep training! It's included in your monthly membership! How wonderful, I exclaim. No wonder I feel so energetic and my body feels tight like elastic.I feel electric! I yell. And I do; I feel electric. Just like the song.We decide to go up on the roof and eat our cookies because it's still sunny outside. They melt in our mouths and last for a long time. My, they were big. Jordon comes home and climbs up to the roof, bringing a big sushi feast and the mail with her. One of the letters looks very strange to me. It's packaged in a bright red envelope and addressed from someone with the initials "J.O." I tear open the envelope. I begin to read, and cannot believe my eyes. No way, I say out loud. Is this a prank?? It's a letter from Jamie Oliver himself, saying his associates have been following my blog and spoke to many of my references and friends about my passion for food and health, and he wants me to start next month as a member of their production team. The training commences in London and then moves on to Barcelona and then a full-month internship in Italy! Then back to New York City, just in time for fall and to work on his projects full-time in the city. I feel like I'm going to puke, but in a good way. Oh my goodness, Jordon has champagne! Originally it was just for the sunny day, but now it's a regular party!I text and call all my city friends, and they all respond right away and come over in a flash-- everyone bringing their own beverages to consume and a scrumptious dish to pass. I am on cloud nine. Even better than that. Something like cloud mother fucking nine.The sun sets over the water and all of us on the roof gather to watch it peacefully. Everyone trickles away from the party eventually, and I am beat. Jordon has cleaned up the entire party and roof while I took a quick bathroom break. How convenient!I change into my famous MC Hammer pajama pants and climb into bed, topless. Ah, what a glorious life tit is. The warm breeze delights over my body as I drift off to the most sensational sleep-coma I've ever experienced.
Yeah, man. Now that is one hell of an ending to my day. Back to reality: grocery shopping, dinner cooking and ballet class tonight! Ay chee wa wa. UNT
