There's an app for that

Me: I need to hire a hitman.
Laura: I'll do it for free.

These are the people I choose for friends, everybody. Not everyone is as priceless as my cousin/soul mate/best friend, Laura, but I'm pretty happy about the ones I've chosen to keep in contact with. Man, I tried to reword that sentence about four different ways--that's how bad I didn't want to end a sentence with a preposition. God, I'm anal.


Speaking of ANAL (the title of the memoir I'm going to start writing when I turn 25), I finally was selected to upgrade my POS (piece of shit) phone to a 3GS iPhone. Thanks to my addictive personality, my mobile phone turned into obsession in less than 24 hours. Thanks Apple for ruining my life and simultaneously predicting my future and the weather.

And thank you, birth control, for ruining my life (the title of the sequel to my memoir which I am currently writing).

My horoscope is non sequiturius.

If I knew how to use my iPhone (read: if Apple supplied a how-to manual in paper form included in your phone packaging instead of online), I would totally take a picture of my mom napping in my bed with her pants loosened (too much Thai and chocolate peanut butter cookies). Oh by the way, she's in town. It's quite relaxing; the opposite of what took place this past week in my life.

Either the new iPhone, this old lamp on my desk, the computer glare, the wine I'm about to drink or the pigeon poop in my eye is making my vision blurry right now. Psh. Technology. I wonder if there's an 'App' for identifying where individual pigeons in NYC flew from. I am furrowing my eyebrows right now . . . trying to decide if that is funny or helpful. I'm probably . . . . . . . . . . . . not going to try to design an 'App' for that if there isn't one already.

YES, I did notice the second sentence in this entry ending in a preposition. Judgy.

I need to go on Judge Judy so badly. I wonder what they require for an audition? Should I dress for the part? Write my own monologue or just read from a parking citation directly? Actually, I do not want to be on Judge Judy for a parking violation. I want to go on for a civil suit of sorts. And, I want to win. Or, at least have that bulky bounty hunter guest star. And I want Judge Judy to talk to my plaintiff real condescendingly-like.

Man, and I haven't even had any wine yet. You're thinking.

Good thing my mom didn't wake up when I just did what I did.
It was really loud and shook the chair.
Obviously I was blow drying my hair.

Merlot's calling me.
On my iPhone.
Bye bitches.